glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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