A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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