Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
