so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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