i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize