And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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