i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All I want is dick and wine.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
