Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
