Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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