wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
