Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
