The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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