Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize