Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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