Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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