burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
