the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
