i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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