K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I have already put on my inside pants.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
