Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
