Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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