my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
