hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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