I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You left your phone here
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