You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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