Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
