How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
