I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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