I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
