Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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