He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
