I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
