I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Can Purell be used as lube?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
