Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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