i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
