I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize