Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
