Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
