just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
