Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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