shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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