i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
