1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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