A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
