Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
