Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
