This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
