I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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