"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm gonna have a badass scar
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
