Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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