Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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