why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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