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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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