Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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