You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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