Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
