I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
