I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
